Tips for being stuck in the house

We took this picture as a joke…that we would use these masks since the pharmacies are out of the surgical masks. But, the fear of the worldwide outbreak of COVID-19 is real. I happen to live in a place that’s operating essentially as usual. There are no reported cases in Nicaragua yet, and the panic hasn’t escalated. People are aware of what’s going on, but nothing is shut down and the stores are still stocked. However, the glimpses that I’m seeing of what’s going on in the United States and in other parts of the world remind me in some ways of what I went through in the 2018 social-political crisis here in Nicaragua. The circumstances are different, but the postures of the heart and the way that fear creeps in feels very familiar. Fear attacks and fear spirals. It twists the truth and whispers lies. Let’s go down fighting. Jesus, make us brave.

I thought since a lot of y’all are spending more time at home (possibly with extra time to read this blog), I would share a few of my thoughts about surviving an extended period of crisis and being stuck at home. For about 2 months in 2018, I was largely stuck in the house due to the social-political crisis. It was a rough time. It’s actually easier for me to reflect back and process those times now than it was for me to get a handle on what I was experiencing while it was happening. So, hopefully you can learn from my fail (#lfmf) and from my successes!

First of all, a few things that I did that were NOT helpful

1. Constantly being on social media. It was so tempting to be always scrolling for new thoughts and opinions about what was going on. I remember laying on the couch with a fan on full blast (it was sooo hot when that was going on) scrolling through Facebook and feeling the fear physically rise up within me. Take breaks. Set limits. Don’t let what everyone is doing and saying affect you.
2. Constantly watching the news. The news often has the same anxiety-inducing effect. Maybe once a day is good enough to check in on what’s going on, but having it on all day every day gives fear a foothold in your life. Especially if you have young children. They will respond to the fear they see in you.
3. Hoarding food. Some preparation is helpful, but I don’t think you really need all that toilet paper. I get it. It feels like something you can do to prepare. When we were in crisis, there were only certain days when it was safe enough to venture out to the grocery store in the morning and things were flying off the shelves. I remember once I bought 7 cans of tuna. I don’t even like tuna that much, but I had a compulsive drive, motivated by fear, to stock up on a protein source in case the worst happened. Months later, when I finally choked down that last can of tuna, I laughed about the end of my stock of provisions.

Some things I did that were helpful

1. Talking to friends. I had a few people that I checked in with every day. The isolation was overwhelming otherwise. We joked about the situation to ease the tension and got real about what we were going through. You need people.
2. Working out. I admittedly did this imperfectly and inconsistently, but there’s nothing like a workout to ease some crisis-related tension. One of those friends I was checking in with every day had the bright idea to create an at-home crisis-related workout. If only she had actually done it, she could be cashing in right now. Whatever your preference for how you do it, get your body moving!
3. Praying the Psalms. Maybe you’re not good at processing your feelings (that’s me!). Maybe you don’t know what to pray. Maybe you’re paralyzed by fear. I have good news. There is a whole set of prayers that can help you find the words in the hardest of times. One that was particularly powerful for me was Psalm 31. Really all of it, but especially verses 21-22, “Blessed be the Lord, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city. I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.” But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help.” I felt trapped, locked into a besieged city, so knowing that someone else had been there and cried out to God about that same issue was a remedy for my soul. It shaped the way I turned to God in those darkest hours.

Consider joining me and many others in praying Psalm 91 for 91 days during this COVID-19 outbreak. This initiative started out of Young Life Africa, repeating what God led many to do during the Ebola outbreak of 2014. If you miss a day, just start fresh the next. Let’s declare protection and healing in our world amidst this chaos.

My Refuge and My Fortress

91 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his pinions,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of the night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
    nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only look with your eyes
    and see the recompense of the wicked.

⁹ Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—
    the Most High, who is my refuge—
¹⁰ no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
    no plague come near your tent.

¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways.
¹² On their hands they will bear you up,
    lest you strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the adder;
    the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.

¹⁴ “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
    I will protect him, because he knows my name.
¹⁵ When he calls to me, I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble;
    I will rescue him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

In this crazy time of fear and panic, let’s rest in the knowledge that our God is on the throne. My thoughts and prayers are with you in whatever situation you find yourself in! Also, know if COVID-19 makes it’s way to Nicaragua, we’re all going down. See this pic of the typical Nicaraguan greeting. Social distancing doesn’t seem like it would catch on. 

Blending in vs. Fitting in

I have learned that fitting in and blending in are not the same at all. To me, blending in is the ability to appear to belong, while fitting in is actually belonging. I can blend in sometimes, but after embarking on this cross-cultural life two years ago, I’ve discovered that fitting in is a little trickier.

When I’m in the United States, I can blend in. I speak the language perfectly, I look like I belong, and I understand the nuanced cultural communication that we often take for granted. That feels good sometimes, especially now that I live in Nicaragua where I definitely don’t blend in. I’m taller and paler than most, speak Spanish with an accent, and make silly errors that reveal that I didn’t quite understand the expectations. Like the time I showed up for what I thought was a hike in yoga pants and a T-shirt only to find that everyone else was dressed way fancier! Obviously what came to mind for me as appropriate clothing when we talked about this outing was different than what everyone else had in mind.

I don’t always fit in completely in the U.S. though. I’m now that strange person who is living her life in another country, a different choice than what’s typical for most of the people I know. There are funny little cultural shock moments when I come back, like when I washed my hands in the bathroom at the O’Hare airport and was ALARMED that the water came out hot. Other times, I see old friends and we can immediately pick up where we left off as if no time has passed and it just fits.

Although I can never blend in Nicaragua, I am starting to fit in. I have friends. I have roles and responsibilities. People have expectations of me based on who I actually am, not only based on my appearance and cultural background. I feel known. The longer I’m living here, the more I realize I’m changing. I can simultaneously both can fit in anywhere and fit in nowhere. I can slide in and out of cultures with increasing ease, but there’s always a lingering feeling of not quite hitting the mark.

That uncomfortable awkwardness of not quite fitting in is familiar for many of us, whether we live inside or outside of our home culture. Everyone faces moments like that. Maybe it’s feeling slightly out of the in-crowd at work, or walking into a party where you thought you’d know someone only to find they’re not there yet.

That awkward moment is an invitation. An invitation to move towards people, to learn something new, to be braver than you thought you were. My advice is to put the device down (it’s a crutch!), take a deep breath, and move into that awkward space. Make it your own. Smile at someone. Ask a question. That little step forward is the first step towards finding a place to fit. It is not the time to blend in! Even if you could, it won’t bring you towards belonging. God created each of us to fill a unique space in this world. Right now that unique space for me is between cultures. It comes with a side of awkwardness, but it’s starting to fit just right. Each of us has our own place to discover. Let the awkwardness be an invitation and resist the temptation to blend!

Feels like home to me

Hanging out in my living room

To be honest, it’s felt like home here for a while. Although there are certainly things that I miss about the USA (friends & family, MI summers, an abundance of restaurant choices, real bacon), Nicaragua, and specifically Matagalpa, has become home.

What makes a home? I’ve spent more time thinking about this now than ever before. The actual house plays a role, but I don’t think it’s the most important thing. I moved to a new house and it still feels homey, if not more so, than my previous house. But, I’ve moved past the phase of setting up a home, now my pictures are on the wall and my stuff is where I put it, which does make a difference in making it feel like home to me.

I feel comfortable in my city. I’m no longer struggling to figure out routines, how to get around, or how to do basic tasks of everyday life. I have places where I go regularly and am known. I know which streets are one-way and which are not (even the ones that aren’t marked!)

This is the view (yes, I climbed a mountain to take this pic) of Matagalpa, the city where I live.

An important factor that makes this feel like home is the community of people that I’m surrounded by. Having friends and being known sure makes a place feel homier. I’ve also reached the tipping point where 9 times out of 10 I run into someone I know at the supermarket or walking through the park. 

Above all else, I think feeling like home has to do with settling into where God has placed me in this season. It’s a sort of spiritual contentment with where I am. It’s like a cycle – I feel certain of God’s will for this season of my life so I settle into it and, as I settle in, I feel more connected to the people and places around me, which reinforces that I’m in the right place at the right time. And the cycle goes on.

Where are you settling right now? How does that feel like home to you?

Unfinished

I’ve started a few posts that continue unfinished. They need a positive take away or quippy story to wrap up the ideas that I’ve started, but I don’t have it. I’m in the middle of a middle place.

 

This is where I live.

 

This house both does and doesn’t feel like home. I’m both moved in and not fully settled. I know my way to certain places, but still get lost (and have turned the wrong way down a one-way at least three times that I know of…there aren’t always signs!). I’ve met people, but don’t exactly have friends. I’ve started some of my communications responsibilities, but am very much learning as I go. I can’t really plan more than a day or two in advance because there is so much that I just don’t know or can’t predict.

Transition, transition, transition. That’s what I’m in the middle of and that’s where I’ll be for a while. In the realest of real ways, I’m learning to live out Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I literally can only handle today’s trouble, and sometimes barely that. So here I am, unfinished story, taking care of today’s business.

How do you say…?

These days I’ll ask just about anyone for vocabulary, from teachers and my host family to uber drivers and teenagers. Learning another language is impossible without help. I need people who will correct me, teach me new phrases, and be patient with my errors. My host family recently taught me a funny new phrase “huele pedos” (smells farts), which is someone we would call a brown-noser in English.

I came here with a pretty solid base of Spanish, but like many things in life, the more you learn, the more you realize you don’t know. There is a wide range of fluency that’s possible when learning a second language. In order to keep improving, you need humility and grit, people to help you, and plenty of time and practice.

Those same things are needed for the Christian life. Paul talked about running our race with perseverance by fixing our eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12:1-2). I’m not much of a runner (only if a bear is chasing me), but my 17 years of Spanish language learning has certainly been a marathon. This thing called following Christ is not a sprint, my friends. We spend most of our lives somewhere between the starting line and the finish line or, in my case, the zero Spanish I knew when I enrolled in high school Spanish 1 and the ideal that I’m striving for: kicking my gringo accent and never making pronoun or subjunctive errors again.

It takes humility to learn a language, to start talking knowing that what comes out of your mouth might (probably will) be incorrect. That you might say something unintentionally funny and then not get why people are laughing. I once accidentally asked someone to throw me in the trash. To stick with it takes the willingness to keep going, to try again, and lots of time. Success comes slowly and sometimes almost imperceptibly, but suddenly we correctly use a tricky grammatical structure or tell a joke on purpose and someone actually laughs.

Sound familiar in following Jesus? We mess up. We don’t listen. We choose what’s easier instead of what He’s asking us to do. But, over and over we start again. Change comes slowly. I’m not who I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, or even 1 year ago. A few of those things I used to stumble over I can skip over now. Little by little, by humbling ourselves and persevering, we grow. We look a little more like Christ and have a deeper relationship with Him.

Along the way, I have needed so many people to help me out. There are countless teachers and native speakers in the U.S., Spain, Mexico, and now Costa Rica who have helped me learn their language. I cannot do it alone. Following Christ isn’t meant to be done alone either. We need each other. Romans 12: 9-10 “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” I love that last part. How can I outdo others in showing them honor? Let’s race to respect each other. Who can listen the most? We get to be real with each other and lift each other up.

Help is a good thing. Reach out. Call a friend. Call a counselor. Tell someone what you’re struggling with. You need people and they need you. You’re somewhere between the start and finish. You might not know where exactly you are, but God knows where you’re going.

All day, every day

Moving to another country has given me the unique opportunity to reconsider my daily habits. Everything has changed, so I have no choice but to consider how I spend my days. What new habits will I add? What will I remove? What will I adapt to fit this new culture and living situation?

I’ve recently been reading Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren. A quote that grabbed my attention was “How I spend this ordinary day in Christ is how I will spend my Christian life.” My life is made up of small moments. I have big moments as well, but those are fewer and farther between and they are usually the culmination of many small, everyday moments. The choices that I make today impact tomorrow.

So, I can use this transitional phase of my life to reexamine what I do each day. I am imperfectly working through this process with a lot of grace. Is my phone the first thing I reach for in the morning? When, how, and where will I spend time with God today? How much Netflix will I watch?

Some days, I crave anything familiar from my life in the States, so picking up my Kindle and reading in English is comforting. Some habits are familiar, yet different in my new surroundings. Weight training has become an important part of my life, but I couldn’t easily bring weights with me. Instead, I’m using a suspension trainer that I hang from a tree at a tiny park near my house. I’m also figuring out when I can fit those workouts in since it rains most afternoons and I have early classes.

Some new habits have naturally become a part of my daily routine since moving here. I now regularly wake up before 6:00am, whether I have to or not, thanks to early sunrises and an earlier bedtime here in Costa Rica. I’ve also had to incorporate studying and homework into my daily life. It’s been a long time! I went back into the archives of my iTunes account and pulled up my old “jazzy study” playlist from college yesterday. A new favorite custom from my life in Costa Rica is called cafecito – a coffee and snack break in the afternoon. My host mom is a great baker, so we often have banana bread or some other delicious treat with our afternoon coffee.

These are all ordinary parts of the day, but together they make up my life. The small, daily tasks are important. So, here’s to making habits, breaking habits, and adapting to life in a new context!

What about you? I’d love to hear from you! What habits are you incorporating into your daily life? What habits are you trying to ditch?

This is the language school where I’m studying Spanish

 

Goodbyes and Hellos

The past week has been so bittersweet. I said goodbye to many dear people in Michigan. If I were to write a book about this experience, I might title it “Crying in Airplanes: A Missionary Journey.” The truth is that I feel so confident that this is the path God has me on for this season. I’m blessed that everything I’ve dreamed of, hoped for, and worked towards is coming to pass. All of that fills me with anticipation and excitement for what’s to come. At the same time, it’s really hard to leave friends and family, knowing that it will be a while before we’ll see each other face to face again. It’s hard and wonderful and strange and beautiful to live in those two realities simultaneously.

Yesterday, I arrived in Costa Rica. I’ve met lots of new people and thanks to the generosity of a few have managed to make it to my host family’s house from the airport, walk to and from the language school, and get a Costa Rican SIM card for my phone. Orientation is this week and classes start next week. In the meantime, I’m giving myself time and grace to figure things out. I’m also going to bed early when my brain gets tired. The sun rises at 5:30 am and sets at 5:30 pm so an early bedtime and early wake-up time works out well. I can hardly believe I’m saying that. I am so not a morning person. I knew this process would change me but that’s not what I thought it would look like. I’ll have to give it a little while and see if it sticks. There are certainly many more changes to come!

A Faithful God

Let me tell you a story about God’s faithfulness. Actually, I’ll tell you two stories. One is ancient and one is mine. I’ll tell the ancient story in my own words, but you can find it in the Bible in Exodus 16. The Israelites were delivered from slavery by the miraculous power of God. He then led them into the wilderness where they were refined and transformed as a people. They needed food to survive in the wilderness and God came through for them by providing manna (a white substance that was literally food from heaven). Every morning, He provided manna on the ground and they could go out and gather it to feed their families. They couldn’t save up for the next day though because it would rot. Every single day, they had to wake up and trust that the Lord would come through again. And again. And again. He continued to provide manna every day until the Israelites left the wilderness and entered the Promised Land.

I’m experiencing God’s daily provision right now during this season of fundraising. A little over a month ago, my fundraising coach and I discovered that I would need about 1% per day in order to reach my goal by the end of August. I started to pray into that and God came through in a big way. For over a month now, God has been providing 1% of my funding each day as I go out collecting it. At first, I wasn’t 100% sure that was what He was doing so I asked Him for confirmation. That day, the amount committed was 1% of my budget to the dollar. He’s continued to faithfully move in that way since and I don’t expect Him to stop now. In fact, I’m praying that the pace accelerates. I’d like to be starting language school on August 30, which gives me 3 weeks to achieve my deployment fundraising goal. I still need 16% of my budget. I’m praying and believing that the One who started this work will be the One to finish it.

Kalamazoo Bucket List

One of my friends asked me recently if I have a list of things I want to do before I leave Kalamazoo. I’ve been thinking about that, but so many of the things that I love here are a part of the fabric of my life. I don’t want to have a decisive “final time” doing them, although sadly, some of those last times may have already happened. Some of my favorites include brunch at Crow’s nest, Saturday morning farmer’s market, road trips to South Haven, Radiant church services, backyard bonfires, spontaneous trips to Nick’s Gyros, walks along the river in Parchment, Art Hop, looking over the city at East Campus, and, above all, spending time with my people.

I’ve lived in Kalamazoo for 10 years now. This city and the people whose lives have crossed mine during my time here have permanently wedged themselves into my heart.

I came to Kalamazoo in 2007, a bright-eyed 21-year-old. I was fresh from a semester in Spain, which I loved for the culture and language, but during which my heart had wandered a bit from God, and from a summer where He brought me back to Him. I moved in having visited the city a total of about 4 times, including my campus visit to Western and the 2002 high school tennis state championships. I was apprehensive about my academic pursuits towards becoming a speech language pathologist but had a single-minded focus towards another goal — finding a church to plant myself in. I knew that my former church-hopping ways, moving around based on rides, friends, and a whim, needed to come to an end.

I dedicatedly visited churches in the area, trying to find the place I would commit to for (what I thought were only) two years of my life. One October Sunday, my roommates and I ventured out to Richland and sat down at Radiant Church (then called Resurrection Life Church). I knew in my spirit that this was it. It felt like home.

I jumped into the grad school life at WMU, making great friends and commiserating over our workload, stress levels, and how we had no idea what we were actually doing. In the meantime, I found myself increasingly connected to the city, loving the small town city feel. I used to walk from our Oakland Drive rental house to East Campus, looking over the city with my heart breaking for the lost.

Radiant was a big place and, at first, I would walk a few laps around the lobby after church and book it to the parking lot if I didn’t see anyone I knew within a few minutes. Soon, I made friends and got involved. The growth in my life that I can now see plainly happened almost without my noticing as I experienced the consistent watering and sunlight of being planted in a spiritual garden.

I had started grad school convinced my career path would lead to working with adults with aphasia and that I would probably move off to Chicago or somewhere equally glamorous in my eyes. Somehow, through my internship in Kalamazoo Public Schools, I changed my mind about working in the schools (I think I said “never will I ever” at some point). I will always treasure my time in KPS. Some of the most dedicated professionals and most lovely children on the planet continue on in those places. And don’t even get me started on my Young Life friends in Kalamazoo.

Now, as I prepare to leave, I have to stop to give thanks for this season of my life, for this city, and for the people who made it special. Kalamazoo is where I learned to be an adult, where I learned to be a speech therapist, and where I learned to be radiant. To all those that helped me along the journey, thank you!

When am I leaving?

I get asked this question a lot. There’s a short answer and a long answer. The short answer is that I’ll be going to Costa Rica for language school at the end of August as long as all my funding comes in by then. I thought I would share the longer answer here.

There’s a tension in the kingdom of God between the already and the not yet. They’re both simultaneously true. As a believer, I’m made new and being made new. The kingdom of God is here and the kingdom of God is coming. It doesn’t make sense in our chronological understanding of time.

I am fully funded. God has called me to this ministry and He knows exactly where every dollar is coming from. And yet, I’m still in the process of inviting people in. I only know where some of the dollars are coming from. The funding is already here and not yet here simultaneously.

Right now, the goal that I’m going for is the end of August. God is able to bring in that funding in time for me to start language school in September. If he doesn’t, I trust in the character of God. He is intimately involved in this whole process and will bring about each step in His perfect timing. In fact, He is the author of this chapter of my story.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were young, Hebrew men that had been brought from their home in Israel to Babylon to be acculturated to the ways of the Babylonian conquerors. They were living in a culture that was not their own. The king set up a giant, golden idol and commanded everyone to bow down and worship it. These guys knew that the one true God was the only one worthy of worship and refused to bow down. The king insisted and threatened them with death in a fiery furnace if they wouldn’t do it. Their reply illustrates their profound faith in the Lord.

“King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:16-18 NIV

They had something they were hoping for (salvation from the fiery furnace) and I have something that I’m hoping for (being fully funded in time for language school this fall). God is more than able to accomplish it! Yet, even if the thing I hope for doesn’t come in the way I expect, He is still the only one worthy of worship and honor.

The end of the story for Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego was miraculous deliverance from the fiery furnace, which brought glory to God and touched the heart of the king of Babylon. See Daniel 3 for the full story!

The end of my story isn’t clear yet. It’s still being written. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego didn’t know what would happen when they declared in faith that they were loyal to God no matter what. Neither do I. I do know that I trust Him with my life.